Pieces of paper

A strange thing happened the other night; I felt a moment of actual being. Hmmm... Sounds rather like 'new age wank' as my brother would no doubt say. But I did.

Its a strange thing to receive recognition from something you have put your heart into. I have many times had loved ones and family members tell me how proud they are off me, but somehow such comments mean very little to me. That sounds rather harsh, so I will try and explain what I mean.

Think about your classic Mother... their child can do no wrong, more so, they love their child and everything they do is wonderful, a delight to behold. I remember Lee Evans commenting that his child did a solid poo, rather than the liquid stuff that babies do at first. He was SO proud! Family love you (ignore the arguments and drunken fights) they do. And they love you whatever you do. Although this means that they would be proud of anything you do. Unfortunately this is not a grounds for an accurate appraisal of any kind.

My theory then is that the closer someone is to you, the less their opinion of you should matter to you. Its not an insult to their powers of deduction or their ability to appreciate the finer details of whatever you do, but its because they love you. Only in the cold hard hands of a objective stranger, will you ever find a truthful opinion.

So when I received an email last night from one of my lecturers telling me that an essay I had sweated blood and tears over; had stayed up late re-writing and had enjoyed every hour of research for, was 'excellent' and he just thought I would like to know.... Well for a moment...just a moment before my brain kicked back in and I started to doubt his ability to see through my bollocks, I was me. Or at least a me that I have wanted to be...and a complete stranger thought so!

Never wanted to go to uni for the grades, not interested in the piece of paper. I always just wanted to know if my brain was any good, and if I could use it in some way. Last night, I felt there might just be a chance that I could.